Yoda (Ahsoka) — a short story
While walking through a hanger pretty deep in the outer rim such that any Jedi I’d be likely to encounter would have been felt far before they arrived I hear,
“Padawan Tano.”
And my — what do you call them, britches? Nearly — I mean I don’t know what I’m reaching for here. Did not expect Yoda to be behind me. Don’t even know why — I found it scary. Like being out here at war has taught me a side of myself I try to hide at the Temple so Yoda being here is like the need for piety turning around and bringing the temple to me — and I can’t remember how to do it. Ahh.
“MASTER!”
“No fear, do you need, young one,” he insists, using his cane to hobble forward as though movement were difficult. And yet… something about the way his body spares no expense, it’s like he’s just dancing inside the Force… Why have I never noticed that before! Maybe Master Skywalker’s special ‘tension’ when discussing Master Yoda is warranted?! And yet when I was young Yoda just seemed like a normal, if exceptionally Force-sensitive, Jedi?
“Hello Master!” I say sincerely, “I think — I was afraid since you used to be my teacher and — I’m not sure I’ve made you proud with my actions out here,” I admit. Wishing I’d not just blurted out the first thing that came to mind after the second or third-to-last word left my lips.
He eyes me a moment with irises that change colour in a rainbow and then smiles,
“A soft soul, do you bear, young one. Never to cast aspersion or deliver ‘Judgement,’ is a Jedi’s role. Merely to guide, others, to the path. To arbitrate, a precarious state is, Padawan.”
“Tell that to the Council who sent us to war, Master!” I blurt out before my eyes go so wide and I turn and apologize while bowing, “Oh my — holy shh — I mean — sorry, Master Yoda. I’m so sorry, Master. I don’t remember how to be anymore.”
My head gets raised and my back straightened as if plants were coming to grow against my body.
“Your apology, a mistake it is Padawan. Only the old must apologize, to the young, for the battles they could not fight themselves. Darkness, come for us it has young Ahsoka. More in time will you understand. Closer to the singularity spiral than you realize, are you, Padawan. Trials and travails, in store, the Force has for you. Worthy are you, of these challenges, Ahsoka. Forget not, a Jedi will you ever be.”
I can’t focus on what he’s saying. I don’t know why it’s so annoying that he’s here. But — I wish I could either understand him or he would shut the fuck up. The dichotomy is killing me.
Yoda chuckles.
“Come for us all it will, young one. Come for the weak and the strong, the brave and the un-brave. The soldierly and the vagabonds. Darkness, no mercy will it show. No kindness does it have, for the living.”
“Yes, Master Yoda,” I say uncertainly, after he pauses long enough that I think I have to say something.
“Children of the Force, are we, Ahsoka. The most powerful to the least, the smallest to the largest — children of the Force all, are we. Forgotten that not, you have, I trust?”
I swallow and hesitate and try to — answer honestly,
“I don’t think… that matters, Master Yoda. We have a war to win. I can’t think about the — I can’t ‘sympathize’ with the people I need to go out there and… stop. “
“Mhmmm. Hmmm. Mhmm,” says the great Jedi. I know he’s not pleased by my answer but I think it would be worse if I lied. Actually I just don’t have the patience to lie. I’m here trying to do my duty. I don’t lie, because, I have no reason to be ashamed of things I was sent out to do for the Republic. (Or at least that’s what I tell myself.)
“What — power, means it does, to you, Ahsoka?” Yoda asks me, his staff clinking against the hanger floor with too much heaviness and density for what it pretends to be.
“It means — having the ability to help those in need, Master Yoda. Lots of people with power are going to try to use it to stupidly serve their own interests and the galaxy will fall apart if that happens. We have to be there to protect the people just trying to live their lives regardless of how they feel about the Jedi or the Republic. We exist, to serve the ones who no one else protect because nobody else thinks they’re ‘worth it’ because lots of them are, even though they’re powerful themselves, are idiots.”
I can feel the eyes on me but I don’t want to meet them because I’m afraid I’ll see judgement there. But he stops moving and I know, I have to look at him. So I do — it’s not the expression I expect. There is no judgement, just pity. And gratitude. And respect. A friendly pair of eyes so full of warmth and friendship and regret that I can barely see where the pupils end and the irises begin.
“Spoken truly you have, young one,” Master Yoda whispers, emotively to me, his voice nearly breaking.
“I’m sorry Master! I didn’t mean to make you cry!”
I kneel in front of him and he waves my hands away. It’s the first time I’ve seen anything like ‘propriety’ from Yoda.
“I grave mistake, have we made, to send Jedi to war, young one,” he manages while I try to wipe his giant eyes.
“No Master! It wasn’t your fault! We had to go! We had to do something, Master! We couldn’t have sat back and let the clones go to war without us.”
He grasps my hands with his tiny ones so gently and yet securely it’s like they’re being held by the Force itself.
“Hard, has the heart of many a Jedi become, Ahsoka,” he whispers, through tears. “My fault in whole and in part, it is. My fault, in whole and in part, will the consequences be. Very sorrowful am I, for the unwise choices, I, as your elder, made I did, young one. Foolish was I. The brunt, fallen to you and your peers it has. Dishonourable, I fear, has my awareness’ lackfulness been. The Jedi, far astray, led them, we may have.”
I hug Yoda and wonder why my job has consisted so much of hugging great (male) Jedi in emotional distress when, A) I never asked to be a whatever-I-am and B) uh, like maybe if the Jedi High Council consisted of majority female-identifying Jedi this whole shit situation would never have happened?! Just sayin? Impossible to know but… I am A TAD CURIOUS? Though I must confess, if there’s one thing it’s impossible to be cynical about it’s that Master Yoda does give… very good hugs.
“There there, Master,” I say, because — that’s just what you say, “There there.” And only then, as I realize where I am and what I’m doing, do I recognize how hard my heart has become. And following a squeaking sob from his tiny form, I hug him properly.
Drying his eyes Yoda says,
“Your many futures, clearly did I see, young Ahsoka.”
“You see people’s futures when you hug them, Master?”
He giggles which I take as a ‘yes.’
“Do I want to know, Master? Or would you tell me if I asked?”
He looks as me and I experience a sensation like being on the edge of a black hole for a second. The background warped away and the wrapped back around and nothing made sense and time was going backwards but just as it revolved around him. Maybe this is why, Anakin speaks of this Jedi with genuine fear in his voice.
“Know everything you need, you do, young one. Skills, learned them well you have. A strong fighter are you. Done well your Master has, to empower your spirit this way. However, seeds of the Dark Side, planted have they been.”
“By Anakin?”
“Perhaps. Or by war. In any case, a great part of apportionable blame, with me rests. But caution must you have, not to grow the seeds, Padawan. Find and forgive what ails your heart, or grow and overtake your better judgement, yes, the feelings shall. Hmm. Experience, speak from it, I do. Yes.”
I stand and walk beside him.
“You’ve felt overwhelmingly strong negative emotions before, Master? I can’t even picture you losing your temper, Master Yoda? I can’t even picture that.”
The lights go out, and then come back on. But in the glow of the emergency tracklights along the floor, in that split-second, I could have sworn, every ship in the hanger was hovering off the deck. And yet when the lights are on, I would have equally sworn they hadn’t moved.
“A terrible thing it is, to hurt others out of anger, Ahsoka,” he says to me, “Regret, follow, certainly it shall. Heed my words child. A calm and cool demeanour, must you maintain, at all times, but especially in battle. Though difficult may it sound, far easier it is, than a life, with regret, to live. Hmmm. Yes. Mhm.”
While walking through a hanger pretty deep in the outer rim such that any Jedi I’d be likely to encounter would have been felt far before they arrived I hear,
“Padawan Tano.”
And my — what do you call them, britches? Nearly — I mean I don’t know what I’m reaching for here. Did not expect Yoda to be behind me. Don’t even know why — I found it scary. Like being out here at war has taught me a side of myself I try to hide at the Temple so Yoda being here is like the need for piety turning around and bringing the temple to me — and I can’t remember how to do it. Ahh.
“MASTER!”
“No fear, do you need, young one,” he insists, using his cane to hobble forward as though movement were difficult. And yet… something about the way his body spares no expense, it’s like he’s just dancing inside the Force… Why have I never noticed that before! Maybe Master Skywalker’s special ‘tension’ when discussing Master Yoda is warranted?! And yet when I was young Yoda just seemed like a normal, if exceptionally Force-sensitive, Jedi?
“Hello Master!” I say sincerely, “I think — I was afraid since you used to be my teacher and — I’m not sure I’ve made you proud with my actions out here,” I admit. Wishing I’d not just blurted out the first thing that came to mind after the second or third-to-last word left my lips.
He eyes me a moment with irises that change colour in a rainbow and then smiles,
“A soft soul, do you bear, young one. Never to cast aspersion or deliver ‘Judgement,’ is a Jedi’s role. Merely to guide, others, to the path. To arbitrate, a precarious state is, Padawan.”
“Tell that to the Council who sent us to war, Master!” I blurt out before my eyes go so wide and I turn and apologize while bowing, “Oh my — holy shh — I mean — sorry, Master Yoda. I’m so sorry, Master. I don’t remember how to be anymore.”
My head gets raised and my back straightened as if plants were coming to grow against my body.
“Your apology, a mistake it is Padawan. Only the old must apologize, to the young, for the battles they could not fight themselves. Darkness, come for us it has young Ahsoka. More in time will you understand. Closer to the singularity spiral than you realize, are you, Padawan. Trials and travails, in store, the Force has for you. Worthy are you, of these challenges, Ahsoka. Forget not, a Jedi will you ever be.”
I can’t focus on what he’s saying. I don’t know why it’s so annoying that he’s here. But — I wish I could either understand him or he would shut the fuck up. The dichotomy is killing me.
Yoda chuckles.
“Come for us all it will, young one. Come for the weak and the strong, the brave and the un-brave. The soldierly and the vagabonds. Darkness, no mercy will it show. No kindness does it have, for the living.”
“Yes, Master Yoda,” I say uncertainly, after he pauses long enough that I think I have to say something.
“Children of the Force, are we, Ahsoka. The most powerful to the least, the smallest to the largest — children of the Force all, are we. Forgotten that not, you have, I trust?”
I swallow and hesitate and try to — answer honestly,
“I don’t think… that matters, Master Yoda. We have a war to win. I can’t think about the — I can’t ‘sympathize’ with the people I need to go out there and… stop. “
“Mhmmm. Hmmm. Mhmm,” says the great Jedi. I know he’s not pleased by my answer but I think it would be worse if I lied. Actually I just don’t have the patience to lie. I’m here trying to do my duty. I don’t lie, because, I have no reason to be ashamed of things I was sent out to do for the Republic. (Or at least that’s what I tell myself.)
“What — power, means it does, to you, Ahsoka?” Yoda asks me, his staff clinking against the hanger floor with too much heaviness and density for what it pretends to be.
“It means — having the ability to help those in need, Master Yoda. Lots of people with power are going to try to use it to stupidly serve their own interests and the galaxy will fall apart if that happens. We have to be there to protect the people just trying to live their lives regardless of how they feel about the Jedi or the Republic. We exist, to serve the ones who no one else protect because nobody else thinks they’re ‘worth it’ because lots of them are, even though they’re powerful themselves, are idiots.”
I can feel the eyes on me but I don’t want to meet them because I’m afraid I’ll see judgement there. But he stops moving and I know, I have to look at him. So I do — it’s not the expression I expect. There is no judgement, just pity. And gratitude. And respect. A friendly pair of eyes so full of warmth and friendship and regret that I can barely see where the pupils end and the irises begin.
“Spoken truly you have, young one,” Master Yoda whispers, emotively to me, his voice nearly breaking.
“I’m sorry Master! I didn’t mean to make you cry!”
I kneel in front of him and he waves my hands away. It’s the first time I’ve seen anything like ‘propriety’ from Yoda.
“I grave mistake, have we made, to send Jedi to war, young one,” he manages while I try to wipe his giant eyes.
“No Master! It wasn’t your fault! We had to go! We had to do something, Master! We couldn’t have sat back and let the clones go to war without us.”
He grasps my hands with his tiny ones so gently and yet securely it’s like they’re being held by the Force itself.
“Hard, has the heart of many a Jedi become, Ahsoka,” he whispers, through tears. “My fault in whole and in part, it is. My fault, in whole and in part, will the consequences be. Very sorrowful am I, for the unwise choices, I, as your elder, made I did, young one. Foolish was I. The brunt, fallen to you and your peers it has. Dishonourable, I fear, has my awareness’ lackfulness been. The Jedi, far astray, led them, we may have.”
I hug Yoda and wonder why my job has consisted so much of hugging great (male) Jedi in emotional distress when, A) I never asked to be a whatever-I-am and B) uh, like maybe if the Jedi High Council consisted of majority female-identifying Jedi this whole shit situation would never have happened?! Just sayin? Impossible to know but… I am A TAD CURIOUS? Though I must confess, if there’s one thing it’s impossible to be cynical about it’s that Master Yoda does give… very good hugs.
“There there, Master,” I say, because — that’s just what you say, “There there.” And only then, as I realize where I am and what I’m doing, do I recognize how hard my heart has become. And following a squeaking sob from his tiny form, I hug him properly.
Drying his eyes Yoda says,
“Your many futures, clearly did I see, young Ahsoka.”
“You see people’s futures when you hug them, Master?”
He giggles which I take as a ‘yes.’
“Do I want to know, Master? Or would you tell me if I asked?”
He looks as me and I experience a sensation like being on the edge of a black hole for a second. The background warped away and the wrapped back around and nothing made sense and time was going backwards but just as it revolved around him. Maybe this is why, Anakin speaks of this Jedi with genuine fear in his voice.
“Know everything you need, you do, young one. Skills, learned them well you have. A strong fighter are you. Done well your Master has, to empower your spirit this way. However, seeds of the Dark Side, planted have they been.”
“By Anakin?”
“Perhaps. Or by war. In any case, a great part of apportionable blame, with me rests. But caution must you have, not to grow the seeds, Padawan. Find and forgive what ails your heart, or grow and overtake your better judgement, yes, the feelings shall. Hmm. Experience, speak from it, I do. Yes.”
I stand and walk beside him.
“You’ve felt overwhelmingly strong negative emotions before, Master? I can’t even picture you losing your temper, Master Yoda? I can’t even picture that.”
The lights go out, and then come back on. But in the glow of the emergency tracklights along the floor, in that split-second, I could have sworn, every ship in the hanger was hovering off the deck. And yet when the lights are on, I would have equally sworn they hadn’t moved.
“A terrible thing it is, to hurt others out of anger, Ahsoka,” he says to me, “Regret, follow, certainly it shall. Heed my words child. A calm and cool demeanour, must you maintain, at all times, but especially in battle. Though difficult may it sound, far easier it is, than a life, with regret, to live. Hmmm. Yes. Mhm.”
